So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
We left an ass print on the piano.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
