You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize