I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
