Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
