My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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