I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
