I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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