Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
