I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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