the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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