Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
