I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Randomize
