I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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