I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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