Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
