I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
