Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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