So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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