now i know why i became what i already was.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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