If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
