I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
