So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
