I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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