the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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