just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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