I'm so fucking centered right now
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
