You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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