I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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