All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
