Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
