i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
