Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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