your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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