News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
