Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
