It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
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On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
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I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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