Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
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