so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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