I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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