that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
