ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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