We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
