Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
