he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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