can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
