So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
