Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
