Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
