Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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