Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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