At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
