Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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