I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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