I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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