tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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