dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
